an alternative to ennui
Tag Archives: relationship
What do you think about at 4AM?
Do you think of me?
I just want you to open up to me.
Open your heart, not just your arms.
I feel warm and content in your embrace,
but distance makes my body cold –
that’s when I think of you
and it makes me sad.
I think sadness is what chokes and extinguishes life
and I become a shadow of the person I perform.
That’s what he titled his own shit.
Fuck this feeling –
this angry knot in my stomach making me sick.
Not able to eat or sleep.
She said I looked like a ghost.
A ghost of a person, not even a ghost of myself.
I hate this, but I love him…
he doesn’t believe me.
Or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t feel the same way.
That maybe he’s a lying piece of manipulative shit who tells me he loves me and makes me feel ‘good’ but is actually selfish –
just fiends attention.
You can’t love love two things at once.
It’s fucking impossible.
And if you do, you’re lying to yourself
desperate to keep this warm feeling around because you’re scared of what lies outside.
Scared to be alone.
Scared to run to someone in the hopes of rekindling that feeling, knowing that you don’t feel the same.
Fuck love. Fuck life. Fuck fucking.
My body is nothing.
My mind doesn’t need this shit.
My body craves it because I’ve been feeding it for years.
But before then, when I knew (no) better, I didn’t need this.
I needed no one.
It was lonely and sad,
But it was deserved.
I deserve nothing.
THAT is the only lesson I will ever receive.
My purpose is to be for others.
No fucking way will they allow me to be for myself.
And I wanna say
But I’m scared.
I’m still so tied up in this mundane, human bullshit.
I feel too much to say so.
I want to reach that point where I no longer feel.
Or do I?
I continuously contradict myself because I know nothing.
He knows nothing.
We are nothing.
but mainly me
The girl who said yes the first time
Always said no the second time
Until she fell in love.
She judged her friends for succumbing to their passions
Only to fall for such wiles all the same
Because she was in love.
You speak to me in words
But I look at you with feeling.
Yet the words are empty,
Devoid of meaning,
And I find myself sedated with the deceitful promises
The sweet nothings,
Until I am consumed to completion.
Oblivion never looked so sad.
October 20, 2015 – He said, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I want to love somebody who loves others, not someone who only loves themselves.
I’m scared of being alone. That’s what makes me cry. Not hurting him, but being alone. And the fear. He’s selfish, inconsiderate, unreliable, forgetful, and incapable of the easiest of tasks. Told to fuck off by his hands – pushing me away. But pulling me closer; caressing my head, kissing my neck… My mind a blur. I can’t deal with his schizophrenic ‘love’. That is, if we can even call it Love.
I think I want to go…
It just doesn’t feel real when he’s not here.
I want someone to make a movie of our life starting with the man who said “forever”.
“It’s perfect,” he said, about my ring.
“It’s never been perfect,” I thought
– about our relationship.