an alternative to ennui
Tag Archives: poetry
What do you think about at 4AM?
Do you think of me?
I just want you to open up to me.
Open your heart, not just your arms.
I feel warm and content in your embrace,
but distance makes my body cold –
that’s when I think of you
and it makes me sad.
I think sadness is what chokes and extinguishes life
and I become a shadow of the person I perform.
A brazen, blazing passion
igniting such codependency
that they burned all the same.
By stoking this love
it had become as volatile as an inferno
threatening too much, they ended it.
Naughty little rendezvous
in the embers of what was
but ultimately, it needed to be tamed.
Put out before it devoured too much
for it had
it consumed his heart.
Fiery tempers and hot words
a jealousy that bloomed
and turned to ash.
They built a pyre
to sacrifice such sweet nostalgia
leaving behind an echo of incandescence.
Now he’s drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle
swimming through salt and gasoline
such fervent ill-thoughts.
He lights a cigarette
and watches the smoke twist and dance –
There’s no extinguishing this bond.
Oct. 10, 2016.
This is a new kind of love.
I have experienced romantic love once before –
A pale, bony hand gripping my heart.
This physical manifestation trying to choke the beauty out of it,
Making me shudder violently with the pain of unabashed emotion.
This caring too much is driving me crazy.
My head taken from my shoulders and battered around like a fucking baseball.
My whole body disintegrating around me until all that’s left is my heart,
Pulsing with the illusion of us together.
I know you’ll choose her.
Every fibre of my being says so.
And yet, I still wait in anticipation hoping it could be me.
But would I really want it to be me?
I know it’s a complicated situation,
But would I want to be chosen between two?
To be chosen amongst millions makes me feel unique and special,
But to be chosen against one is…
Well, it just is.
And that sucks.
I love you and I want to protect you.
If that means doing as I am now, so be it.
It’ll be hard to see you with her,
But I’m stronger than I look.
Ultimately, your happiness outweighs mine.
I deserve nothing.
That’s what he titled his own shit.
Fuck this feeling –
this angry knot in my stomach making me sick.
Not able to eat or sleep.
She said I looked like a ghost.
A ghost of a person, not even a ghost of myself.
I hate this, but I love him…
he doesn’t believe me.
Or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t feel the same way.
That maybe he’s a lying piece of manipulative shit who tells me he loves me and makes me feel ‘good’ but is actually selfish –
just fiends attention.
You can’t love love two things at once.
It’s fucking impossible.
And if you do, you’re lying to yourself
desperate to keep this warm feeling around because you’re scared of what lies outside.
Scared to be alone.
Scared to run to someone in the hopes of rekindling that feeling, knowing that you don’t feel the same.
Fuck love. Fuck life. Fuck fucking.
My body is nothing.
My mind doesn’t need this shit.
My body craves it because I’ve been feeding it for years.
But before then, when I knew (no) better, I didn’t need this.
I needed no one.
It was lonely and sad,
But it was deserved.
I deserve nothing.
THAT is the only lesson I will ever receive.
My purpose is to be for others.
No fucking way will they allow me to be for myself.
And I wanna say
But I’m scared.
I’m still so tied up in this mundane, human bullshit.
I feel too much to say so.
I want to reach that point where I no longer feel.
Or do I?
I continuously contradict myself because I know nothing.
He knows nothing.
We are nothing.
but mainly me
As we embraced,
You put your hands on my waist,
And I felt myself sink into you.
My body responds to your touch –
striving for that electric pull,
Floundering under the weight of memory –
rose coloured and golden,
I want it to be pure.
We are submerged in comfort and nostalgia,
Thrashing against chains that bind us,
Enslaved by this false Love.
You press your mouth to mine,
Sharing in the same substance that keeps us alive,
Can you tell my tears from ocean water?
The pressure builds,
My mind cloudy with blood and water,
And you like that it’s slowly killing us.
The girl who said yes the first time
Always said no the second time
Until she fell in love.
She judged her friends for succumbing to their passions
Only to fall for such wiles all the same
Because she was in love.
You speak to me in words
But I look at you with feeling.
Yet the words are empty,
Devoid of meaning,
And I find myself sedated with the deceitful promises
The sweet nothings,
Until I am consumed to completion.
Oblivion never looked so sad.
October 20, 2015 – He said, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I want to love somebody who loves others, not someone who only loves themselves.
I’m scared of being alone. That’s what makes me cry. Not hurting him, but being alone. And the fear. He’s selfish, inconsiderate, unreliable, forgetful, and incapable of the easiest of tasks. Told to fuck off by his hands – pushing me away. But pulling me closer; caressing my head, kissing my neck… My mind a blur. I can’t deal with his schizophrenic ‘love’. That is, if we can even call it Love.
I think I want to go…
It just doesn’t feel real when he’s not here.
I want someone to make a movie of our life starting with the man who said “forever”.
“It’s perfect,” he said, about my ring.
“It’s never been perfect,” I thought
– about our relationship.
I was born in this pink ghetto,
nested between white, plastic bars – I cannot leave.
I see above me planes and trains and cars and spaceships –
all going somewhere, somehow, somewhen.
And I wanna ride them.
I can ride them, but I cannot pilot them.
I can straddle them –
feel the vibrations and pulsations between my legs,
but not in my hands.
My hands are unworked.
I should. would. could not tame them,
make them bend to my will –
But their will is greater.
Those with the scruffy faces, the hard hands, the Idontgiveadamns.
Rather, I am forced to give a damn –
to give a care.
I bend under these expectations,
Bend and bend and bend and
snap. they would
between the walls of this pink ghetto.
Underestimating how strong I am.
I was born in this pink ghetto.
Nested between white, plastic bars – I cannot leave.
But one day