visionary loser

an alternative to ennui

Tag Archives: feeling

Again, is this abuse?

You’ve driven away my support network. Now you’re all I have. This was intentional, wasn’t it? Breaking off my connections so that I could not escape you. You drove them all away. No one wants to listen to me. I’m the boy who cried wolf. Told them of the abuse, pain, and hurt, with no intention of leaving. I talked in circles driving myself crazy and driving them away. No one wants to play with a broken toy. Now you’re all I have. That’s what you wanted, no? To trap me and keep me so that I could never leave you.

You’re manipulative and controlling, but I’m the crazy one? The emotional one? Just calm down, right? Control yourself. You’ve woven this web of deceits around me and I have no idea how to leave. I don’t even know if I want to leave. It’s abuse – can’t you see? You know a lot about abuse, don’t you? Your earliest memory getting hurled into a fire. The beatings. And I know this, I know that the abused can become the abusive, but how did I not know this? How could I not see that this relationship has broken me. I do not trust. I am anxious. Fearful. Hurt. Crying every day, unable to talk to anyone, but you. But you don’t let me talk. You aren’t there for me.

Am I done?

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Save for the songs of the birds and the wind in the trees

Sun on my neck,

Warm and comforting.

It was a long winter –

I feel the tension uncurl beneath my shoulders,

Like a shawl I drag it from me

One light quick tug

It floats away.

All worries float away,

Basking in that warm glow.

 

All the while I think of you.

How great it would be to share this with you,

So I call you.

The magic is disrupted –

Fragmented by the artificial, cold ringing

I immediately regret it

This is mine to cherish alone.

Not alone, but without you

Without another voice

Save for the songs of the birds and the wind in the trees.

am i happy now i am now happy.

I’m not good at writing when I’m happy. Maybe it’s because I use it as an emotional release for all the tension and anger I feel. But doesn’t that give such emotions more power and control? Why don’t I write when things are good and blissful and I feel so full and content? Will it dispel these beautiful feelings I feel?

I’m much better now

I realize I have no one. I lost my best friend when I ripped out his heart and fed it to the wolf. I keep thinking the wolf is domesticated and won’t hurt me. But the creature snarls every time I get too close. At 12:10AM I have no one but myself. And she’s poor company.

On December 30 you told me you were thinking about me. On January 24 you didn’t recognize my number. On February 10 you messaged me for the last time. It’s June and you don’t answer me. Ever. I wish you could see me. Maybe then you’d care. Sean, I think I’m going crazy.

I’ll never fight with you again. I’ll get a noose tattooed around my neck. The more we fight, the more knots it acquires. So that when it looks tight and thick, I’ll have chocked myself into being good.

 

Is this a realization?

March 24, 2017.

I can simplify anything. Overly complicated issues are a product of irrational, emotional people – they cannot see the way amidst the fog. It goes as follows: matters of the heart are complex and emerge from a sad place. You can romanticize longing and that feeling after sex when your worries melt away and all that you see are those brown eyes filled with… something. Begging me to know what that something is. But all I see is sympathy and compassion. Otherwise, everything else is enveloped in a thread-bare blanket. Mislead, I believe in its false protection and warmth. For that blanket is falling apart before my very eyes and I am too stubborn to let it go.