visionary loser

an alternative to ennui

Monthly Archives: October 2016

Saturday Night Ignored

That’s what he titled his own shit.

Fuck that.

Fuck this feeling –

this angry knot in my stomach making me sick.

Not able to eat or sleep.

She said I looked like a ghost.

A ghost of a person, not even a ghost of myself.

I hate this, but I love him…

he doesn’t believe me.

Or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t feel the same way.

That maybe he’s a lying piece of manipulative shit who tells me he loves me and makes me feel ‘good’ but is actually selfish –

just fiends attention.

No shit.

You can’t love love two things at once.

It’s fucking impossible.

And if you do, you’re lying to yourself

desperate to keep this warm feeling around because you’re scared of what lies outside.

Scared to be alone.

Scared to run to someone in the hopes of rekindling that feeling, knowing that you don’t feel the same.

Fuck love. Fuck life. Fuck fucking.

My body is nothing.

My mind doesn’t need this shit.

My body craves it because I’ve been feeding it for years.

But before then, when I knew (no) better, I didn’t need this.

I needed no one.

It was lonely and sad,

But it was deserved.

I deserve nothing.

THAT is the only lesson I will ever receive.

My purpose is to be for others.

No fucking way will they allow me to be for myself.

And I wanna say

FUCK IT

But I’m scared.

I’m still so tied up in this mundane, human bullshit.

I feel too much to say so.

I want to reach that point where I no longer feel.

Or do I?

I continuously contradict myself because I know nothing.

He knows nothing.

We are nothing.

but mainly me

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Thoughts at 4AM

Love makes me shudder with unabashed emotion.

Trembling at the amount of control it has over me.

I am powerless to it.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because I’ve had a moment of mental clarity.”

I cry when I’m frustrated,

when I’m shocked,

when I’m happy.

I’ve never cried eureka before.